SPIDER-MAN 3

WARNING: If you haven’t seen SPIDER-MAN 3 yet, and still want to go, stop reading right now…

I went to see SPIDER-MAN 3, Sunday evening. I felt like I was taking a chance, going on opening weekend but, surprisingly, there was no line up for the 7 p.m. show. When the commercials started at 10 minutes to, the theatre wasn’t even half-full. When previews finally ended (at 7:25!), there were still empty seats all around me.

I thought to myself: well maybe people don’t go to movies in Toronto. Maybe they like… I don’t know… plays? Concerts? Maybe they’re not as movie-crazy here as they are in Edmonton.

Nope.

SPIDER-MAN 3 sucks. That’s it. And I’m so disappointed.

And to top it off… I think I just witnessed the end of “superheroes” dominating Hollywood films.

SPIDER-MAN was the cornerstone franchise of both Hollywood’s and (especially) Marvel’s superhero-movie industry. No one was doing it better (except maybe X-MEN 2). Character, style, story and F/X all seemed to come together in the SPIDER-MAN movies; Sam Raimi made great superhero flicks. He seemed to get it, while the others (Marvel and DC alike) always had the stink of producers fucking with it for ever-more profit.

Now SPIDER-MAN stinks the same way.

From start to finish, the movie tried to do too much, be everything to anyone who bought a ticket, rendering the movie meaningless to everyone who watches it. From the weird disco-strutting “bad” Peter Parker, to the deus-ex-machina butler who “cleaned your father’s wounds”, to the news-report telling the audience what they are supposed to feel watching the climactic final battle, to the Sandman blowing away into the sunrise as Spider-Man forgives him (and therefore forgives himself)…

“All we are is dust in the wind…”

If I start going into details about the movie I’ll never stop writing. I’ll give you one example that illustrates my point: the throng of cheering, adoring fans who think Spider-Man is number one... AT THE END OF THE MOVIE.

Yes, Spider-Man can be popular within his own mythology at certain points, and the movie was bang-on in this by having it feed his ego and making him screw everything up. We love this about Spider-Man because it shows how he’s fallible, just like us. However, in the comics, Spider-Man is continually vilified and generally disliked even after he vanquishes his enemies. He’s unpopular within his own mythology, and audiences love that about him.

Because he perseveres. He chooses to do good no matter what because it’s his responsibility to do so, because of Uncle Ben’s immortal: “With great power comes great responsibility.” He’s a modern-day Sisyphus.

In the first movie, Aunt May says to Peter, “You’re not Superman.” And she’s right. In this movie, though, the producers seemed to forget that, and tried to make him into Superman-with-a-spider-mask. Their transparency is highlighted by the “Spider-pose” in front of the American Flag, as the audience cheers him into battle (…and the news reporter telling us that people are cheering for Spider-Man... just to make sure that we got it.)

But it is the producers who missed the point: we love how Spider-Man is reviled. We love that he puts his responsibilities above everything else. We hope that things will get better for poor Peter Parker; we secretly love that he suffers. It makes us want to buy the next issue.

SPIDER-MAN 3 does not make me want to see the next movie.

And, now what hope does the rest of the comic book inspired movies have now that their centerpiece has fallen? I mean, I'm excited for the next FANTASTIC FOUR movie, but I'm a comic book geek and even I admit the first FANTASTIC FOUR movie wasn't very good. Who else but the geeks are going to support these movies?

And... when are the geeks going finally give up on them... because they KEEP SCREWING IT UP!

A-hem.

I get excited about these things because I have a vested interest in superhero-based entertainment being popular among the masses. I wrote a story about a superhero -- I called him "Superhero" -- and I want the superhero boom to keep on rolling. When I see movies like SPIDER-MAN 3, I have my doubts.

So I don't know what to tell you. Go see it so that they keep investing money into superhero stories? Don't go see it because it's not what makes superhero stories cool?

Maybe this... download the Superhero Live! podcasts and listen to how's it's supposed to be done...

hehe.